‘A good laugh and a long sleep are two of the best cures.’ It’s an Irish proverb, so you know it’s good. For those of you who don’t know, I love the Irish. And their advice usually doesn’t fail (except in the case of ‘Kiss me, I’m Irish’; that is such a bad idea, people). I wrote this up for a friend a while back, out a book called ‘2005: A Year of Miracles.’ The first half of the book is talking about a missionary’s life, and the second is interesting ‘tidbits’ gleaned from the internet, all clean (Imagine that!). So, if you’re feeling low, and want to laugh a little, read on.
#1. Proof of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” (That’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: use like regular soap.” (And that would be?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (But, that’s just a suggestion.)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom): Do not turn upside down.” (Well, duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (And you thought?)
On packaging for Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn’t save me time?)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medicine.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds in head-colds off those bulldozers!)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness. (And I’m taking the because????)
On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor and outdoor use only.” (As a opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (Now, somebody help me out here, I’m a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.” (Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?)
On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.” (Oh, was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
#2. Noah’s Ark
Just to keep you giggling, here a little something entitled: Everything I needed to learn about life, I learned from Noah’s Ark:
1: Don’t miss the boat
2: Remember we are all on the same boat
3: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
4: Stay with it. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to something really big.
5: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6: Build your future on high ground.
7: For safety’s sake, always travel in pairs.
8: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on the Ark with the cheetahs.
9: When your stressed, float a while.
10: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
11: No matter the storm, when you are God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.
#3. Mixed-Up Proverbs
A First grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, then asked them to come up with the remainder. Their insight may surprise you.
No news is….Impossible.
A penny saved is….Not much.
The pen is mightier that the….D- (Grade)
Don’t bite the hand that…..Looks dirty
You can’t teach on old dog new….Math
Where there’s smoke, there’s…..Pollution.
Two’s company, three’s….the Musketeers.
Happy the bride who…Gets all the presents.
Never underestimate the power of…..Detention.
If at first you don’t succeed….Get new batteries.
When the blind leads the blind….Get out of the way.
If you lie down with dogs you’ll…stink in the morning
You get out of something what you…..see pictured on the box.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry…..And you have to blow your nose.
#4. How Strange!
Here are a few things to think about, that I can almost guarantee you have never thought about.
Can you cry underwater?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you get buried in forever?
Why do you have to “Put your two cents in,” but it’s only “a penny for your thoughts? Where does that extra cent go?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham have originally?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say that they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings, then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp that no one would ever eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor from Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix the hole in the boat?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetable, what is baby oil made of?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, twinkle little star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad, but when you take him for a ride, he sticks his head out the window?
#5. 101 of the Funniest One Liners
Can’t think of anything to say? Gotcha covered.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Borrow money from a pessimist: they don’t expect it back.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be vegetarian!
Never answer an anonymous letter.
It’s lonely at the top, but you do eat better.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t come to yours.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
If we weren’t supposed to eat animals, then why were they made with meat?
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of ‘Smart’?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
Nuke the whales.
I started out with nothing and I still have it.
Change in inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A clear conscience is a usually a sign of bad memory.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep in.
The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
I took an IQ test and the results came back negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you ever tried.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
My mind is a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
National Atheists Day: April 1st.
All generalizations are false.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I used to think I was indecisive. Now I’m not to sure.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
No matter were you go, you’re there.
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
It’s been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
This statement is false.
They told me I was gullible…… and I believed them.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
The word ‘gullible’ isn’t in the dictionary.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
The Big Bang Theory: God spoke and BANG! it happened.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it is?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like night.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
Gravity: It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic: ten out of ten die.
Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good!
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard drive?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I didn’t use to finish my sentences, but now I
I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Vacation begins when Dad says, “I know a short cut.’
Evolution: True science fiction.
What’s another word for thesaurus?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
Well, I hope this has been as enjoyable for as it has been for me! Also, just so you know, that final segment wasn’t from the book, it was a pamphlet that I picked up somewhere. But it fits right in with the rest of the insanity in this post. And remember: Laugh long and prosper!